Confessions of a witch girl: The void

There is a space of stillness.

Time slows here, and the mind can often wander in to a chaotic frenzy of searching and pushing. It screams for change and yearns for movement, but there is no distinguishable up or down, left or right.

It is an emptiness. It is the pause between breaths. It is the moment of darkness when the eye blinks. It is the womb before the pressure of an impending birth causes the water to break.

The void can last a moment, or it can last years.

When you are in it, it feels like a lifetime.

My most notable void lasted 2 full years.

I was post divorce. I had moved from Calgary which had been my home for 10 years, to Victoria BC.

I didn’t know it at the time, but the void was calling me towards it. I had no idea that each decision I was making was bringing me closer and closer to the soon to be suspended state of pause I would find myself in.

The void is to the soul what a coma is to the physical body. There is a need for regeneration, a need to heal. Pieces need to be reorganized by the universe. Pieces behind the scenes that are entirely out of your control, but they need time to be moved and orchestrated in to a new space.

It’s as if you have reached the middle of a movie and all the sudden it begins to buffer. Around and around the circle spins as you eagerly wait for the movie to be ready to resume.

What is happening is all for you.

So many aspects around you must be shifted and changed before the next chapter of your destiny can be written.

Your soul needs rest, it needs integration, and it needs TIME.

My void came upon me like a brick wall.

My life had gotten so out of control and I hadn’t conciously really taken a moment to understand what was crumbling around me. I was the snowball that had become the avalanche and I hadn’t even noticed. So life opened its loving arms around me, and swept me in to the nothingness of the void. The coma of my life had began.

My void became apparent around month 6 of not being able to find employment in Victoria. For years I had worked in the same industry in Alberta, and quite successfully at that. I had a resume most 29 year olds wouldn’t reach until their mid to late 30’s. Yet every interview fell flat, every door was closed, and as time went on, my heart filled with fear.

My divorce had left me with a mountainous pile of debt, 80% of which was not mine. But my credit had been perfect, my income had been strong, and thus the majority of our purchases and credit cards had gone in and under my name.

I was left holding the bag, and now the bag was getting too heavy too hold.

I had moved to Victoria to be closer to family during a difficult time of my life. I had assumed I would walk easily in to another similar role with similar pay. I had assumed I would be able to stop the avalanche of my life, but the void had other plans.

The two years that comprised my void stripped me of everything I thought made me me. My job title. My money. My credit. My freedom.

I was dying.

Or so I thought.

I see now that I was in the chrysalis of the void, I was growing my wings. I was developing aspects of my soul I would need to take me further in to the heart of my life. I was waking up through flame, blood, and ash.

It was painful, but it was everything, and I would never take it back or wish it away now.

The void cannot be rushed, and if you find yourself in the stagnancy of it, choose to float there. Embrace the emptiness and know you are developing in to the person you need to be to fulfill your destiny. The lessons you learn in its emptiness are keys to all the doors to all the rooms meant for you.

You must enter the void and you must stay there until IT releases YOU.

If you are in the void now I both pity you and celebrate you.

You have stumbled across the point where your soul intersects your ego, quite literally the ‘X’ on the map marking the treasure. You have entered the gap between what no-longer-is and what-will-be and the cost of entry is steep.

My best advice for anyone initiated in to their souls own silence, when your own very self seems to have abandoned you, embrace it. Engulf it. Become every inch of the emptiness that you possibly can. Soak yourself in it until you fall in love with your own demise so much that you long to evaporate more and more until nothing but vapor is left.

It is within this ultimate surrender that the void has done its magic.

You’re going to love your new wings.