confessions of a witch girl: Following your numb
If you follow any of my content pages, you are aware I recently quit vaping. Vaping was a huge part of my identity for the past two years, previously I had vaped for about 2 years as well but took a short year break before starting up again.
Vaping really was such a crutch I used to isolate myself from my own emotions. I truly used it in every occasion, no matter the emotion attached. If I felt anything at all- I wanted to reach for my vape. It filled my body with a tingling sensation that made me feel a small euphoric joy in my chest. However; as the addiction grew stronger, I found myself needing more and more of the substance to get that same feeling. I finally realized that I only felt the feeling when I hit my vape first thing in the morning. Every subsequent inhale for the rest of the day was just to keep my nicotine blood levels at a certain level, as to avoid the withdrawal symptoms that come along with any substance addiction. I found myself in a perpetual state of monitoring my cravings, and feeding them. I realized I was addicted to consuming something, at all times in the day. If it wasn’t a vape, I would need gum, it it wasn’t gum I would need a snack. If it wasn’t a snack I would think about having a glass of wine after work… I began to notice that it wasn’t even the vape I was chasing, it was the chasing itself. I was in a perpetual state of needing to fill myself up with something, anything, to avoid feeling in to my own being. To avoid being myself. Sounds crazy right? Sounds absolutely maddening to think that at 35 years old, I have still not come to terms with sitting within my own self and just being. Not chasing anything, not consuming anything, just being still.
Even now as I write this, I am triggered to reach for a vape. Obviously I don’t have one to reach for, and so my mind is reeling with ideas that can curb this craving in to the abyss. Drink water… drink coffee… chew gum… then my mind turns to alcohol. I start day dreaming about a glass of wine tonight, or maybe two. But I am not drinking either right now… I have turned off the faucet for all of my crutches to be drowned with. So I must sit here with them. Feel them, explore them. Why are they here? When did I start running away from myself? How long have I been running?
Since the age of 15/16 I have been using alcohol to numb myself. I have never had a ‘problem’ in the sense of the ‘go to rehab’ way, but isn’t it a problem if it is something I reach for instead of feeling? Even if it is only on the weekends? Even if it is only with friends? Anything that takes us away from ourselves must be a problem on some level. Now don’t get me wrong, there are times and places where drinking and/or smoking can indeed just be a fun little outlet for a small moment in time… but what happens when it creeps in to your weekly or even daily routines? That is the issue that so many of us find ourselves with at one point or another- what started out as a infrequent coping mechanism has turned in to the only mechanism by which we deal with ANYTHING in our lives, the good or the bad. So I ask you- where is your numb leading you? If you choose to ‘un-numb’ for a length of time, or permanently give up a tool that you were frequently using to numb… where does that numbness lead you? Follow it. It will assuredly take you to some dark places- of this I am absolutely certain. But once you make it through the thick of it, once you run through the evil forest- you will most definitely find the meadow within it. But you have to keep going.
Trust me- I know its hard. Do you know how many times I have stopped and started things? Too many than I can even count… and then some. But that isn’t a reason not to try again. Everything isn’t done- until it is. Everything is just a thought- until it isn’t. This is the nature of our reality, the nature of our humanity. Just because something has never been- does not mean it never will be.
Today is the first day to the change you want to initiate for yourself. Today can be the first day to the next 30 days of not drinking. To the next 1000 days of not vaping. To the next 5 days straight of working out and eating a clean diet. YOU get to pick your start date, and it doesn’t have to be perfect. There will ALWAYS be something coming up to derail you. There will always be someone around you to persuade you. You have to pick your moment, you have to draw your line in the sand, and then you have to be the only person who chooses not to cross it.
