CONFESSIONS OF A WITCH GIRL: LIFE BEFORE FLIGHT
Today as I drove to work, it dawned on me. No one talks about how the caterpillar feels once it transforms in to the butterfly.
We are all so hyper focused on the caterpillar’s transformation. From squishy, many legged, cute creature- to this glorious, winged, extravagant being. We are so focused on what it eventually becomes, that we forget all it had to leave behind to get there. No longer does it live in the same enviornments, eat the same foods, or even have the same daily routines. It is now something completely new, its old self is gone, and with it- so too is everything it ever did as a caterpillar. It had to completely die to become its new self. So die it did… in a sense.
We too must die to become the next versions of ourselves. With this death we will lose everything, but we will also gain everything we lost in a new form. This reminds me of the pokemon decks we all know and love(d). Each little creature had 4-6 cards representing the different stage of development it was in, and the new powers it possessed in each form. I believe I have spoken about these little cards before in regards to transformation… it is a great analogy for the human development we experience in the different stages of our lives. The version of you that runs a company, has a different and more evolved skill set than the version of you that bartended through university. Neither is better, they are just different. The skills you had as a bartender transformed and morphed in to what you need as a company owner. They died along the way to be replaced by something new.
I have noticed, within the plethoric sea of Instagram accounts that cite personal transformation and growth, that so few mention the pain, discomfort, and other inner TURMOIL and sheer CHAOS of personal transformation. We are all transforming and growing every day, but those huge massive leaps that seem to grip us when we are making huge life changes.. those ones can bring you to your knees. They can make you wish you were a caterpillar turning in to a goo within the safety of your cocoon…
I personally have died and been reborn at least three times in the last 35 years I have been on this planet. In fact, I can say with conviction and certainty that I happen to be dying once more. Over the past 6 months I have felt nothing short of insane by the speed and impact at which my inner dialogue, desires, and thought patterns have shifted. My life style has taken a massive shift, I find myself ending habits and addictions I have previously held for the majority of my adult life. The trauma, fear, and panic that has risen up from the depths of my core has nothing short of shocked me. How can this much trauma live inside my body for this many years? Why is it all coming to the surface now?
Like weight training in a gym, it can take months of small incremental changes until finally one day you look in the mirror and see that your entire body’s composition has shifted and you are something else. You are a different version of yourself.
Give yourself some damn grace while you’re in the cocoon! Give yourself some damn grace when you trade yourself in for a different version of you! Give yourself some grace, and give yourself some space. This stuff is HARD. This stuff is intense. It is not for the faint of heart. You are meant to feel as if you are dying, because a part of you is. Mourn that part of yourself. Bury her. Celebrate her life. Then leave her behind and start anew.
