confessions of a witch girl: focused on becoming

This is your scheduled wake up call. You asked for it. You just forgot that you did. But here you are reading this, so this one’s for you.

I heard a song this morning at the gym, I really liked it. It had all the dimensions a song should have to get you pumped up, excited, and motivated. It had the perfect combination of vocals, energy, and melody. It was honestly just a really well done song. I noticed its perfection because I haven’t heard a song where I felt that good by just simply hearing music for a long time. It is like that rare movie that comes out and changes you when you watch it. This was one of those rare things.

What I found most interesting is that the my body’s immediate response was ‘Wow I would love to drink to this song. I would love to vape to this song.’

HOLD UP, I thought to myself.

Why are my thoughts going there? I am organically experiencing a pleasurable moment in a setting devoid of any substance use, of any stimulants. I organically created this moment from within myself- and here I am wanting to snuff it out by adding something to the moment. This made me think even more… why would that be my immediate response? Why would I want to alter my conciousness, my body- in order to enjoy this song? Why isn’t just enjoying it in this moment, in this state- good enough? What about this moment needed to be altered? Why did I want this experience to be anything different than what it was in that moment, when it already felt perfect? I then came upon the realization that a part of me truly believed that the enjoyment of the moment, of that song, would actually be ENHANCED by adding a substance to it. But that is just false programming. I understood in that moment, that somewhere along the way of my development- I associated substance use with enahancing good emotions that I was already feeling. But it doesn’t in fact enhance the emotion- in all actuality it in fact NUMBS it. If I were to indulge in the vapng while listening to the song, my body would reject the positive emotions that I was already experiencing from the song, and focus itself on the nicotine or alcohol I was ingesting instead. My body would move from focusing on the joy from the song to the nicotine or alcohol that was corrupting my blood and oxygen levels so that I can feel a altered state, but not in fact the joy state. My body felt joy and it instantly wanted a different type of rush. I have trained it to be this way. So essentially what I would be doing by introducing a substance in to that moment would be replacing an organic natural rush from the song with a synthetic rush from a substance. So the question I asked myself was this: Why did I feel the need to replace something organic and natural with something synthetic? What about the organic beauty of our own souls do we not trust that we must replace it with something artificial when we feel the authentic beauty of joy that comes from within?

This opened my mind up to a multitude of thoughts, another being: we have been lead to believe that no work and no sacrifice is needed to reach our goals. I had a friend of mine mention to me that they found themselves constantly eating in the evenings to replace their smoking habit. They went on to say that they were going to their doctor the following week to get prescribed ozempic to help them stop eating. I couldn’t believe my ears. Where is the will power? Where is the focus? Where is the desire to illicit change on your own to create the life you desire for YOURSELF. Why are short cuts such an inherint part of our society and our culture? Everyone literally wants their cake and to eat it too. Do not get me wrong, there are people out there that benefit from such drugs like ozempic, and that truly do need it. But if you are simply using something synthetic to replace your own basic will power… is that really the best way?

Everyone is up in arms over AI as it will take the ‘simple’ roles out of peoples hands and in to the hands of robotics… but haven’t we been doing that to ourselves for decades? Very few people want to do what it actually takes to reach their end goal. Very few want to walk the path that will lead them to their dream life, because it takes effort. We live in a end goal society with no desire to take the steps to get there on our own. We have created a instant gratification nation and it is showing up in the very fabric of our human-nature.

I have lived this as well, and it is not until very recently I see the dissonance between my actions/behaviors/habits and the goals I want to reach. I want to be able to drink and not have it affect my body composition. I want to be able to stay up late and not be tired the next day. I want to vape and not feel the constriction my lungs feel while at the gym the following morning… but I have now come to terms with the impossibility of pursuing two lifestyles at once. When you feel within yourself that the best version of you does NOT participate in certain behaviors, and you know from the very center of your being, that the only way to up level your life is to make different choices… you have to make the decision to change and you must stick to it.

You have to pick your new self every day, because every day your old self is going to show up and want to do what is comfortable, it will want to stay the same. Every day you have to pick your new life over your old one… and sometimes that is going to be difficult. Sometimes it will feel impossible. You owe it to yourself to pick you every single day, in every single moment.

I had a terrible day at my work yesterday. One for the record books. Never have I ever had such a influx of negative experiences in a row in my entire 16 year career in my industry. I wanted nothing more than to drive to the nearest vape shop after my work day ended, and pick up what I knew would comfort me. I wanted nothing more than to pick up a bottle of wine and have one or two glasses to unwind… but instead I picked the new me. I made a choice on who I want to be and I followed through on the behaviors that would facilitate that. Was it a fun night? Nope. Did I have to sit in my own turmoil and uncomfortable emotions? Yup. But what I discovered by doing so, was that I was capable of handling them, on my own., without anything to pacify me.

Pick the version of you you want to be, and live every moment as if you are already them. Sooner or later- you will be.