Confessions of a witch girl: Something is dying

I’m not sure what’s happening to me this week.

I feel nothing and I feel everything.

I want nothing and I want everything.

I want to destroy. I want to create.

I’m obsessed with being alive as myself. I’m obsessed with the idea of being everything and formless.

Sometimes I get lost in my vision and it blurs with yours, with hers, with his.

I forget myself and what I’m doing and where I’m going.

I forget why I’m creating at all.

I create because it’s my breath.

If I don’t, if I stop, if I focus on what I will gain through it- it begins to fester, wilt, and die in my body. I get ill. I change. The petals on my souls flower wilt, die, and begin to fall from its stem.

I lay here in my body that has betrayed me, it no longer operates the way it is supposed too. For how long this will last… I’m unsure.

My back has seized to the point where standing, walking, sitting leaves me in excruciating pain. I cannot move, I’m forced to be still.

What have I found in this stillness?

Well, a lot of anger, actually a great deal.

For what? I don’t know and yet I do…

I’m angry life has rules.

I’m angry I need to abide them to have the things/life I want.

I’m angry I believe this to be true, because I also know we create our own realities.

So I sit here in a dichotomy of what is true and what isn’t. I feel all of the yin and all of the yang.

I crave the scream, and yet I crave the silence.

I want to understand more, but I want to know less.

I truly am sinking in to nothing and everything all at once.

And I can only hope that when this storm within me does pass, I will be healed and steadfast in my sureness once more.

To be human is to balance the amount of time we spend on the shore of peace, to the amount of time we spend in the waters of chaos. Both are a requirement for growth. Both are a requirement for magic.

So here I am.

Getting wet.