confessions of a witch girl: the self sabotage sacrifice

Why is pursuing our dreams so hard? Why is saying yes to what sets our soul on fire more difficult than saying no? What lives deep inside of us that constantly yearns for change and creation, yet fails to break down the walls that hold us firmly in place?

I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. For six months I released a podcast weekly… then it became every other week… then it became once a month, and then it became never. Though I am obsessed with being on the mic, discussing topics that mean a lot to me, I find myself procrastinating. It has now been over 7 months since my last episode. As the weeks continue to pass, the memory of the light it sourced for me grows dim. I forgot why I was doing it, and as the ‘why’ faded farther and farther in to the distance, the motivation and drive to create more episodes went with it.

I find it horrifying but also deeply interesting that most of our identity is formed so early on in life. They say by age 7 our subconscious minds are programmed with the programs that will carry us through the rest of our lives. But what if those programs don’t work for us? What if the choices I made in my early 20’s no longer serve me now in my 30’s? What if those exact programs, that were designed to keep me safe as a child, have now bottomed out all of my potential and all of my dreams?

There is a funny way our minds try to protect us with stagnancy, rather than allowing our growth to let us rise. But eventually we start to notice our own choices as being more detrimental than they are beneficial to us. We start to become aware that what we are doing, how we are behaving, and that the decisions we are making, are keeping us from everything we say we want! We find our hands in the chip bag after we vow to eat healthier and alter our lifestyle to a new eating habit. We stretch our arms out and hit the snooze button on our alarms, when we promised to make that early morning gym session.

What I find the most interesting of all of these behaviors that take us away from the version of ourselves we desire to be- is how our physical body begins to break down. Our mental health begins to deteriorate. It is truly as if the soul is wilting within us, and its decay becomes present on the surface of our skins. For me- I always know I am off path when my stomach starts to act up. If I begin to sense my intuition is telling me to make a choice, and I refuse that choice, the indigestion, bloating, irregular bathroom trips, and constant stomach pain ensues. It is as if my intuition is sending a physical signal to follow up on the message it had sent prior.

‘Hello out there, remember me? You aren’t listening. Let’s slow you down with pain and ailments so that all you have the presence to do IS listen’

I have found that as I have gotten older, the ability to defy myself has become weak. I can no longer ignore the urges of my heart, and the yearnings of my soul. When it speaks- and I don’t listen? It’s game over. Everything begins to shut down and break down one by one. Starting with the gut. Moving to the lower back, then the anxiety kicks in. It all becomes way too much and I have to shut off and shut down, alone, to figure it out. Once I finally take the time to myself to rest and dissect what it is I am being called to do? It is always, without fail, the nagging sensation that had occurred weeks or even months prior. It is the thought that had buried itself deep within my heart, the thought I had woken up with and went to sleep with for such a long time. The thought I had chosen to abandon, though it always had chosen to stay with me. The very thought I had been running from, is always the salvation I so eagerly sought.

I often get very angry at myself, once I realize that I had been shoving down my sacred intuition, refusing to hear it. I feel so angry that the answer has been there all along, and I knew it. So angry that I brought myself to this space of dis-ease, ailment, anxiety, and sadness. But then, I think to myself- the route I took to get to this understanding was the road that had to be taken to get to this understanding. If I had been ready to hear her, I would have heard her. The experience of the discomfort, the body pain, and the anxiety is what made me stop-pause- and consider the source of my pain. It was within the very pain I was trying to run from- that the answer was birthed.

Translated in to a language I could understand. To a sound I could hear.

Another barrier I find myself creating is the barrier of perfection. I will pain stakingly ache over each word written, each brush stroke taken, each phrase spoken, to the point where I am frozen in fear of the end product- that it won’t be good enough. That I will be judged for a spelling error, or a concept that is ‘too out there’. But you know what? Screw it. What difference does it make to my message if I accidentaly put one-too-little ‘l’s in accidentally?

So here I am, making another vow to honor my intuition, my callings, my soul’s desire. To show up and write- though I could think of a million reasons not too. Then to bring my mic from the box it has been patiently waiting in, and pick up where I left off. Honoring my voice. Honoring myself.